It is not an easy day today. Really, it’s not been a great week or weekend, but I’m hoping that things will be on the upswing soon. If I am to be perfectly honest I am suffering from a lot of guilt right now, and when this happens, I don’t tend to sleep a lot. I’m tired, and really, when I’m tired, things just in general suck. My baby will be 11 weeks old tomorrow and right now when she needs to be comforted, it is Grammie that gets it done. Daddy gets 4 days in a row home. Ava has Taekwon Do tonight. Sarah needs snuggles. Mommy is busy. Mommy has Non-Violent Crisis Intervention tonight. Tomorrow she has a PD in the city. Wednesday she is back in the classroom. Thursday and Friday she has more PD, and that doesn’t include Parent/Teacher interviews on Thursday night for her biggest girl. It is such an internal battle and adjustment to figure out how to cover my bases and cover them well. But it is hard to meet each need when said covering is wearing thin… and it’s only October. I have already learned that as a teacher, you cannot separate work and life… because let’s face it, life is work and the two are so intertwined that they could be conjoined twins that share a spine and a decidedly differentiated brain. I don’t open my school bag at home, because I can’t. Because I can open it up and all of a sudden 2 hours are gone and my family is on the sidelines waiting for me. Friends are waiting for me. And I find myself waking up at night to go in and watch my babies sleep, trying to push regrets out of my mind, trying to remind myself that I really did sit down and ask them how their day was even though I didn’t get to watch it unfold myself. And I try to think about what my other kids, my school kids need, and I think that again, I’m being selfish because they’re really not mine and they have moms and dads and aunts and uncles and grammies and grampies that love them. Or should be loving them, because really, they’re awesome and deserve that outside of and beyond all else, just as mine do. And I wonder if they have anyone that goes in late at night to watch them sleep simply because they are theirs to watch and to listen while they breathe deeply. Because that’s why I watch mine. Because life overwhelms me sometimes and I guess I need to see that it is not overwhelming them. And their peaceful dreams reassure me. My Sarah has suffered night terrors in the past and they are horrid. Early early Sunday morning she woke up screaming. And I slept through it and the devestation that I felt when mom told me what happened felt like a sucker punch that nailed me right in my pretention as a mother. On and off throughout the day I would cry and I wanted to hole up and be alone and not deal with anything because clearly I wasn’t already dealing with anything and I felt my heart break a little. So here I am. On a Monday afternoon. Trying to do whatever it is I am supposed to be doing, and while having moments where I am doing right, I also have so many moments where I am not. All encased within moments where I have no idea what is even going on. So here I am… again…. Supposed to be doing sub plans and what-not. So much what-not. Thank God the sun is shining and tomorrow I get a total do-over.
Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant – Robert Louis Stevenson